Hinckley is the new Iraq.

It dawned on me today that pretty soon I'll be moving up to Coventry to start university, leaving behind the complete nothingness of Hinckley and Nuneaton. For those who don't know where either are, and you don't, it's squat bang in the middle of England. They are two nothing towns, not big enough for anything exciting to happen, and not small enough to know Mrs Pennyapple who works at the local grocers. They're towns where people simply exist.

I've lived in Hinckley since I was seven, and I remember it well, largely because it is exactly the same now. I went to primary school where people told on each other, high school where people threw rubbers at each other, college where people hit each other, and now I'm out in life where walking down the wrong street will get you stabbed by the local inbreds. If you want an accurate idea of the wrong streets, buy a map. Anything marked as a road is a bad street to walk on. So far I've managed to avoid coming home with a bottle sticking out of my left eye because I don't go out in this town for the 'night life'. Night life consists on college dropouts wearing their best Adidas to a pub that serves alcoholic water, with a local zoo escapee hanging off their arm, shrieking at the other girls who happen to have joined their fashion taste in wearing their curtains in the most revealing way. It's not pretty, imagine a walrus in a tutu and you get the idea.

Night life could also include hanging on the street corners of any dark area, but if new to this idea you should turn up in a bloodsoaked outfit with a brick sticking out of your head. It's saving a lot of time of exactly what will happen when you pass those areas, and removing the exercise from the chavs could potentially make them so fat that they won't fit through their front doors anymore. There is of course a huge difference from this in the daytime of Hinckley, that being that it's lighter.

If you want to live here, you won't. If you want excitement here, the excitement delivered is that you'll eventually be leaving here. If you want to be accepted here, you have to be born by your mothers uncles brothers dogs cat, and be married to your sisters brother, and that only happens by plugging your umbilical cord back in and getting back in your mother.

And, compared to Hinckley, that wouldn't be a bad idea.